I'm so friggin depressed, I'd go to a doctor but they're all smug bastards who should be set on fire.

So I was trying to work and that involved reading for about 20 minutes and then just wandering round the house thinking of joining the army.

Then I went to the gym, I hate the gym. The worst thing about the gym is the changing room at the end. Not because I have any problem with being naked round a group of middle aged men, heck - it's how I make my money. My problem comes from listening to the saggy fucks talking about work, implementing systems, market productivity... 'Dan's not increased the WOPDEX since the 14th so I told Jillian that's just not on'.

I think it's like looking into the future. I know that's just what I'm going to sound like, christ I might even start playing Squash with work collegues. That would be fucked up.

I'm not one of those people who says 'that won't be me' cause what am I gonna do about it, get back together with the band I was in when I was 16? Become a Private Eye? Bouty Hunter? Batman?

No I'm gonna be doing a job that I'm not sure what it actually is and then I'm gonna kill myself with a stapler in the supply closet. With a quiet 'Fidink' I'll staple a nerve in the back of my neck and then Craig from finance will come in and go 'Oh My God, we were supposed to play squash'

It's a tough time for the french destruction, see I've been using the blog thing on msn and that lets me put up lists like 'favourite aliens' and whatnot. I still like this one cause none of my friends know about it and I could write poetry if I wanted and no one would know. I don't want to write poetry.

I'd like to take this oppourtunity to say that I am becoming very fond of Death Cab for Cutie. Fond to a point when I lie awake at night contemplating whether to get up and put them on.

I would also like to say how excited I am that someone's making Casino Royale with a young bond. Hopefully not Orlando Bloom or one of those 'teen heart thobs' that are really about 34... like Josh Hartnet. Man I hate Josh Hartnet. With his squinty little sensitive face. Not as much as I hate Ashton Kutcher. Actually now that I mention Ashton Kutcher, Hartnet seems pretty cool, he was in Sin City which was good if you ignore the bits without Bruce Willis in them....

I hate Clive Owen. Nothing Clive Owen can say can not sound cheesy. He's like a male Rachael Weiss except he's not really, really hot so you can't ignore it.

Superman is Rubbish (don't know how I got there). So Is Halo 2 (and 1 for that matter) and by Zeus' pants I am still angry about paying money to see Sideways.

Good Day to you all.

What's the deal with all these faq things these days? I remember when people used this site rather than random word generating porn machines. Not that I care because the chances of a random word generating porn machine reading my blog is about the same as a real person reading it.

Anyways I hate Q magazine. Here's a few little facts about Q that I've put together (ie am forcing up from memory right now)

In 1997 Q gave Oasis' heavily derided 3rd Album Be Here Now 5/5 stars only to later pretend that they didn't. (They also gave piss poor Standing on the Shoulder of Giants 4/5 only to later pretend that that never happened.)

Q decided not to give another album 5/5 for many years untill... wait for it... Semisonic.

Q infact has a History of being turncoat bitches. Recently giving wibbly squalky singer 'songwriter' (whatever) James Blunt 2/5 when his album came out and then once he got popular, changed thier rating to 4/5 stars and declared him the best thing since sliced David Gray (Urgh)

Q also gave Piano Bellowing aristocratic hobbits Keane a rather average 3/5 then a few weeks later went on sale with a big cover picture of the band riding in an open topped car with ticker tape (sp?) falling on them next to the title 'BAND OF THE YEAR'

Another thing that I hate about Q is the style of writing. It's that smug, shit degree in Journalism or even better MEDIA COMMUNICATIONS type of writing that is so self riteous that it makes a conversation with James Brown seem like talking to a humble old man who's only interest is soup.

The whole thing is one big fat U2 fanzine/ iPod advert. It's so closed minded that they've just done a 'new bands' feature page on 'The magic Numbers' who have already had an album out and 2 or 3 singles. This month's edition featured an interview with Paul MaCartney and Iron Maiden. Way to bring attention to new bands Q.

The letters page is where it gets really Annoying. If anyone dosn't know, the above mentioned 'Be Here Now' sold 700, 000 copies in it's first week but went on to be the most 'returned to shop/ resold' album of all time. Recenly Q gave bland elastic bodied indie kippers Coldplay 5/5 for thier new album XandY (so boring it's named after maths). Someone wrote in to querie thier opinion mentioning the 'Be Here Now incident' to which Q replied

(Adopts whiny journalism student voice) - I think the 500 000 people who bought the album will disagree with you.

So, album goodness = how many people bought it eh? Why not apply this to all aspects of life? By that rationale, Lots of people voted for George W Bush. Therefore he is better than Coldplay! The Beatles even! George Bush is better than the Ford Focus.

So I hate Q. No one should Buy it.

AAAAAAwwwwwwww poor little blog.

Ever see one of those RSPCA adverts where one of those animal rescue guys finds a dog cowering behind a dumpster because it's owner left it? Well that's what it was like when I came here again after a number of months of simply not caring. Except it was me who found the little thing rather than some struggling actor who has now got looking 'simultaniously sympathetic and disguisted' down to a Tee.

It's hair was long and it's toenails needed cutting. The smell was unbearable but I'm beginning to suspect that that smell is infact the smell of my parents house, to which I have now returned after a really bad year in 'Halls of Residence' aka 'The 18-30's holiday that never ends'.

I've just got my new house and I'm moving in  next month even though I'm already paying through the nose for it whilst I'm not living there.

The house is horrible. The worst thing is I can't change anything about it because I don't own it. So yes, the horrible wallpaper stays, and the electric fire and 1940's fireplace stays, the woodchip stays.

The snail that leaves trails everywhere however is mine to hunt which you think would be easy since these snails have very easily reckognisable 'tracks'. This one's crafty though since he/she always leads me a merry dance around the lounge table and I never find it. But this battle of wits is not over yet and when I find it it's going to turn into a battle of Shoe versus shell and we all know there can only be one leathery winner there.

I hate my new home.

Jonathan Creek has been showing on cable for a while and I've been watching out of morbid fascination. If you're not familiar with it, it follows a shaggy haired magician's assistant who solves 'impossible crimes'.

That sounds good doesn't it? It's not.

Every episode someone is murdered in a locked room by someone who dissapears or something along those lines. Jonathan comes in and clearly notices clues and then dosn't tell his bitch about them (like what they mean) leaving the audience in the dark with only clues to think about. So when he comes to the conclusion the audience is supposed to go 'wow I'd never have got that.' and you would never get that because it's always something utterly idiotic.

At the end Creek usually says 'but thats not important you have to think simply' or something and then reveals the most underwhelming plots ever. It's usually something like the guy was a triplet all of whom could stand on each others shoulders and immitate a really tall lamp due to them being thin and slightly luminous.

Anyways it's rubbish.

... Was the best program ever. I've been thinking about it for the last few weeks now. Maybe that's why I haven't updated this thing in a while, maybe it's because interest in my page has reached an all time low or maybe it's because I don't want to go on the internet in case that girl who pulls my hair has e-mailed me because I don't want to go out with her again.

Anyways I really wanted to watch the adventures of Pete and Pete again since it reminded me of my childhood and it was really awesome. I tried searching through the listings for Nickelodeon and looking on the internet to see if it's even on in the UK anymore and it's not. All they show is Spongebob Squarepants which gives me siezures.

Then I find out it's on DVD in america and since I have a region 1 DVD player I figure, why not get it? But then Amazon start being Jackasses and not accepting my card so I'm left peteless.

So here is my plea to whoever decides what DVD's come to the UK - Please make 'The Adventures of Pete and Pete' appear in all good DVD retailers in the UK and I promise that at least one person will buy it and if they don't then you didn't advertise it right. Thank you, I love you.

It dosn't happen often but there occasionally is female interest in me. However, having been 'involved' with 2 girls this year so far, I have worryingly met my quota for 2005. Damn

So this one's going ok, I'm as charming as ever and everything's as cool as I can expect it to be untill the whole 'kissing' thing gets underway. Now a little explanation is in order here, I had quite long hair and then cut it off real short, I've been growing it back recently because I can hide behind it (hurray). So during the 'date' something happened that hadn't happened since my hair's glory days, 'the mid lip lock tug'. In case you've never experienced this, it's where a girl suddenly decides that they want to tug at the hair at the back of your head... really hard.

It can happen during any sort of physical 'intimacy', kissing, sex, even a friendly hug.

What I want to know is Who started this crap? It Really hurts! Imagine if a guy suddenly started pulling a girls hair, for no reason. Slap lesson learnt. Thing is, I rarely get much in the way of 'action' being a hideous swamp creature and all, not to mention not being a very nice person. So I'm too polite to say 'Ouch, hands behind your back' or something.

 So I've got two choices... deal with it, bleeding skull and all... or cut my hair real short and let the world know that the back of my head is not an attractive shape.

And you people think you have problems... Pah.

Once again, I've decided to put someone out of thier misery and tell them what they're doing wrong and this time it's the king of the nerds George Lucas.

Observation 1 - No one really likes Jedis, they're not cool. They have no emotions and therefore are dull and the only thing they have going for them is magic powers and everyone knows magic powers are for losers who can't beat people up by hand like Jean Reno can.

If I made Star Wars I would have Gene Hackman going around in space with his partner Jean Reno and they're just roughing(ruffing?) people up and punching people in the mouth.

Observation 2 - Samuel L Jackson. Everyone knows that he's the only good thing about these new films. So forget everything else and just make the films about him sitting around, eating muffins and contemplating whether to blow people away with a 45. And then doing so.

Observation 3 - Locations, props, you know try shooting... things.

Observation 4 - Get a hair cut. You look rubbish Lucas, you look like 2 squirrels having sex.

Observation 5 - Sue me for slander. I am calling you names like 'bumhead' and 'titmouse'. To be honest I've been back at home for a while and everyone's away at uni so I have nothing to do. A high profile law suit would give me something to think about at least. Even if I snare some star wars fans in my net of hate that'll do.

God I'm bored.

After the whole 'Hamlet' thing that I was talking about a few weeks ago I have to move on to another play and I picked Twelfth Night because it's shorter than Richard II and I am lazy.

Twelfth Night is proof, solid proof that shakespear (who no longer deserves a capitol letter for his name) is a bumbling idiot. If you were to think of a modern day equivolent then I'd go for a mix between some kind of self important moronic rapper (Ja Rule for instance) and super slushy Brit film making whelk Richard Curtis.

Richard Curtis is the sap who writes those wretched Romantic 'British' films that always star Hugh Grant or Colin Firth or something. Absoloutley everyone falls in love and they're all so polite that it strips the enamel off your teeth. Stupid films for stupid people who just want to sit infront of a big screen and be told that everything is going to be ok, there is someone out there for you even though you are a pathetic acne ridden 16year old girl. There's not, babe. You're on your own, you may as well do something productive to pass the time.

And productive shakespear (that's right 's') was. Hundreds of implausable, rambling, literary masturbation sessions in which, everyone gets married at the end or everyone dies. 'Any other endings there Will? Fuck no give the people what they want eh?' this was however the 17th century and most people wanted to burn witches and eat dung. 

Why in 'Zeuses butthole' do I still have to read this, I'd rather watch Sideways... wait... hold on there... no. But it's like the entertainment for simpletons of the 1600s yet people act like it's the cleverest stuff in the world. NEWSFLASH YOU INTELLECTUAL SNOB MONKEYS, MOST OF THESE PLOTS DON'T REALLY MAKE SENSE OR HAVE MUCH RELAVENCE TO PEOPLE LIVING IN THE 21ST CENTURY. And even though I admit that some of the plays are ok, it seems to be an unwritten rule that everything that this balding cake boy wrote is clearly the pinnacle of all literature.

The sooner everyone who likes this stuff dies the better.

I'm always going on IMDb.com to check out whether Rhondell off the Shield was actually the Black Power Ranger (He Was) and stuff like that. And while I'm there I always have this compulsion to look at the message boards at the bottom of the page which always gets me wondering.

Why is there always one guy who has to, just has to make a thread called 'This is the Worst Film Ever'?

What possible reaction are there going to be' You know I did like it but now I'm thinking that you're right, you have totally enlightened me.

If you want to say a film's crap - tell your friends, get one of these blog bastards... don't try and convince the fans that it's rubbish. They're not going to listen. Even if the film is shit like Sideways is.

I've always kinda been a fan of weezer, they're one of those bands that I forget that I like untill I hear them again and then I remember that I love them. The first two albums are among my favourite albums ever even if the lyrics sometimes suck a bit.

The third album had it's moments and the 4th one seemed like some kind of blip brought on by wearing leather pants as a joke and then deciding to keep them on for a while.

So next thing you know Weezer Return with a song called 'Beverly Hills' and a video in the Playboy Mansion. The same playboy mansion that played host to Justin Timberlake and Nelly. Yup. That fucking playboy mansion.

The song is possibly the worst song ever. It sounds like Def Leppard or Whitesnake. It takes a deep breath and sucks for about 3 and a half minutes... and it sucks hard.

Now let me get on to the mansion and its significance in the context of the video. Weren't weezer about not being cool? Weren't they kind of making music for the little guy rather than the quarterback who's dating the cheerleader and sticking his dick in anything that moves? Not anymore guys, Weezer are all about success and what signifies success in America more than anything? Vacous blonde women parading around your garden in bikinis! That's right fans, this is what you should aspire to, the lifestyle of Hugh Hefner a  man who has devoted his life to helping men Masturbate (Like they need it)

I thought they were motivated by something a little more noble than cleavage. Don't you dare try and tell me that the song is a critique of LA because it's not.

If it was satirical of Beverly hills and the nature of celebrity then why have they spent the afternoon canoodling with 'Hef' and some pairs of tits on legs?

It's someone celebrating the fact that they no longer need to think about writing songs they can just smear excrement against a guitar and record the results.

Fuck Weezer.

I know I keep going on about the election and I promise to stop soon (probably when it's over) but it is a country I have to live in so I want to take this oppourtunity to have a bit of a hissy fit.

One of the Conservative 'Environmental' Policies is to have a vote to overturn the ban on Hunting with dogs.

That's pretty much the upper class equivolent of my plan to win the election that I put in my last post. The only difference being that mine was a joke. By saying they're going to have this vote it gets all of these horse riding, blood thirsty, ruddy faced land owners to come out and vote instead of stupid students.

Most people my age appose hunting because of the cruelty involved when a dog ripps a fox to pieces after chasing it up and down sussex. For me, whilst that is a problem, I'm more concerned about the fact that THIS IS NOT AN ENVIRONMENTAL ISSUE. If there's a problem with there being too many foxes then have a policy to control the number of foxes in the countryside, don't just declare vigilante war against anything orange and fury so that all of these ridiculously red faced bastards come out and vote to satisfy thier blood lust. Then they go home and chew each others colons while a slave boy acts as a footstool. 

The other thing that bothers me is that I hate to see rich people having fun. I hate it when I see Prince Harry laughing with his big toothy head, I hate those hunting jackets, I hate horse riding hats because they should look cooler.

Cowboys didn't wear those stupid hats did they? No, if you fall of a horse it's your fault. No hat should be there to save you. Learn to ride it better. So if they do bring back hunting I want a ban on those hats so that any of those guffawing polo bastards that fall off break thier knecks and die.

In fact they can hunt on ice surrounded by rabbit traps with alligators on the ground. You want excitement? You got it Sir. Fuck off and Die.

Those poor Lib Dems, they keep inching closer to challenging in the election but at this rate they'll be nearly almost the opposition by about 2068 and to be honest that's just not good enough.

They obviously need my help because I can solve most problems in a few paragraphs of my most powerful blog. This issue is no different. Labour, Conservatives? get ready to quake in your boots. I am about to destroy all of you with my simple election winning plan

Pretend you're going to Legalise Canibis

I hate stoners. The real stoners I mean. The ones that are permanently surrounded by a thick class C mist. I hate that they can't talk about anything except smoking weed, buying weed or what happens when they don't smoke weed. I hate that the only things funny to them are things that involve weed or words that sound like weed.

These poeple are clearly only motivated by the desire to aquire cannibis, that means they're too lazy to vote right? WRONG. All you have to do is involve canibis in the election and they'll be all over it like smoky little ferrits. Grrr. Stoners (and students) are excactly the people who aren't voting because they think that politicians don't care about them. By legalising canibis, you get about 30% more of the population voting.

Why not promise to abolish student fees too. It won't matter that to do this you have to tax the highest earners (mostly university graduates) therefore making them pay 'student fees' under a different name anyway. Why won't it matter? Because students and teenagers are stupid. All they hear is 'student fees' and they automatically thing that they're suddenly in 'Footloose' or something, and all the Adults are against them... Boo Hoo.

Most of these kids have thier parents buying them cars and funding thier quest to anihilate thier own liver (there are exceptions but not many)

So Yeah,  Listen to me. I may be hideously naive but... no theres no but, just listen to me.

Yeah, I lost the mooses head, I wasn't quick enough.

But I think I've learnt a life lesson... I don't really need a mooses head.

I'm moving out in a few months and I've already started looking for posters and stuff. I'm moving to this terrace in a place called 'Chorlton on Medlock' and to be honest I can't wait. I really miss having a house, different rooms, a lounge and a SEPERATE kitchen. No Students vomiting in a bin in an adjacent bedroom.

So To celebrate my new house I was looking for junk on eBay to put on the walls, 'The Shield' Poster, Picture of Gene Hackman and then...

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&" title="http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&" target="_blank"http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBay...;category=67212&item= 7149824625&rd=1&s sPageName=WDVW

That's right, you saw it, a Mooses head for £400.

I start work in a few weeks to pay for it... Oh yes. Why stop there; Gun Rack, Log Fire, Picture of a Mountee, Bear Skin Rug... You guessed it, I'm turning my house into a 'post modern Ironic hunting lodge/Mountain top Shag-pad.'

Try telling me that stuffed animals don't turn women on... try it... I am going to be having so much sex next year...

On Channel 4 they had another one of those stupid lists which are perfect TV. Short blasts of infomation are what this country survives on...

'Getting bored of watching something for more than a minute? Don't worry! we'll be off this subject any second now'

'Need to act like you know about The Velvet Underground to impress some needlessly cool guy? Just watch number 30something on this!'

'Don't know what to think about Vietnam? Watch number 46 for what Arthur Lee and 'Love' think'

'Don't know what to talk to your friends about because you've just realised that you've never had to speak to anyone outside of a club therefore you've never heard thier voices? Wait, don't just waste your Bo Selecta Impressions! Just question the list! That'll fill 10 minutes!'

That's right people of Britain, you don't have to think of anything for yourselves! Wipe the dribble from your mouths and clap! Clap and dance you cretins.

In case you wonder what came out at No1... 'OK Computer' by Radiohead. Which was a change I guess but still kind of dissapointing. I'm open to any suggestions for No1, maybe I'll compile a list, maybe I'll just laugh at someone for sending 'Permission to Land' by the Darkness

('Loveless' - My Bloody Valentine, you know I'm right)

In the US they had that whole thing where 'P Diddy' tried to make all of the country's youth vote. Never mind that he hadn't released a record for about a decade and now is only known for changing his name because he didn't want to seem like he was promoting homosexual parents or something. No, P Diddy says 'Vote'... you vote.

From the looks ofthings he forced about 10 extra Bush voters to vote for Bush making no difference at all.

Well here it comes in the UK. MTV wants teenagers to vote. Students. You know those people who vomit up their own intestines and live in their own shit? Them, yeah.

So Moronic MTV is running these godawful adverts where they talk to 'young people' about what they want politicians to do for them. Needless to say, all they want is Cannibis decriminalised and they want politicians to listen to todays youth. What are they going to say when they get to talk to politicians? Nothing. Students are morons, I know... I live amongst them. (I kinda am one but, y'know)

Student - You don't understand today's youth!

Politician - No you're right I don't.

Does MTV really want their viewers voting? These are people who watch 'Newlyweds' and 'Pimp My Ride'. Come to think of it, MTV dosn't show many music videos these days. Just programms in which part time pop stars recreate Brittish TV shows of the 80's 90's...

Punk'd - Perpetualy alternating between relaxed surfer talk and shouty retarded high school quarterback, Pro MILF hunter Ashton Kutcher organises elaborate and mildly unfunny pranks on his celebrity friends and then reveals them to be pranks when he miraculously appears from behind a Labrador removing an unconvincing prosthetic nose

Beedles About - Hideously disfigured man seemingly created from offcuts of Pork and pubic hair, Jeremy Beedle organises elaborate and mildly unfunny pranks on members of the public and reveals them to be pranks when he miraculously appers from behind a Cocker Spaniel removing an unconvincing prosthetic nose.

TRL has more than a hint of 'Live and Kicking' about it too. But anyways I normally have a soloution to these kinds of problems but I can't get past the idea of a Benevolant yet vengeful dictator named Garreth... wonder why?

The Royal wedding. Has Commentators.

People are payed. To discuss what is happening during the wedding ceremony. Between a man and a woman who the poeple of Britain pay for to be Tourist attractions. The US has a similar thing and it's called FUCKING DISNEY LAND and at least that's got rides.

But it's not the Royal family's fault. The people of the UK are too stupid to say 'We don't need you, you have no power, you're just a tradition that has survived from a time when we used to eat mud, burn witches and stop women from voting'

No, the real evil here is Royal Correspondants. They are having a conversation about how Camilla dosn't know what do do with her hands when she meets people. My God. You have worked all of your life and this is the pinaccle of your success. You are being payed to talk about a woman who dosn't know what hand gestures to make when she's in public.

How would we explain this to aliens?

Alien - 'What's all this then?'

Human - it's the royal Wedding

Alien - Royal what now?

Human - in this part of the world we pay for one family to live like... well kings and when they get married we make a big old fuss

Alien - Oh, they must be very special then. What did they do for your country? Are they turning carbon dioxide into Oxygen? Or are they trying to discover a clean efficient fuel source?  Do they come up with ways to cure cancer?

Human - Erm, no. In the Medieval ages they used to lead armies into battle and Govern the country... now they just kind of... you know... attract tourists to the country because we are backwards dimwits and they are living proof. They go on Holiday sometimes but I'm not sure what from.

Alien - Oh

Human - They do a lot of work for Charity

Alien - Well that's not particularily impressive really, they've got more money than skin cells from the looks of things, they could probably do more for charity considering they drive around in very uneconomic Bentlys and take helicopters to meetings. So what are those people?

Human  - Erm Royal Correspondants, they talk about what's happening to the Royal Family, In this case they're discussing what the Queen's wearing for this Wedding.

Alien - So how are they payed?

Human - TV licence fees.

Alien - So the people of this country pay for people to talk about a useless family that they also pay for yet have no control over. And then they wonder how to get more money for Hospitals and schools. I can solve this right here. Destroy the BBC, there's nothing good on it anyway and stop paying money to the Royal Family.

Human - Who do you think you are, honestly we were doing fine untill you came along with your fangs and 3 legs.

So I'm having this kind of 'Charlie Kaufman appreciation week' at the moment. I might make a club. I absoloutly love 'Adaptation and 'Being John Malkovich' so I got a hold of 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind'.

Now I've been single for a while and I figured I liked it to be honest, I was just getting used to it again, a life of vaguely satisfying solitude.

Then out of nowhere in this film BLAM, KIRSTEN DUNST'S ASS!!!  That's it. I am now lonlier than I've ever been and it all comes from Ms Dunst dancing around with a little pair of pink pants on. You would have thought it would be from the fact that the film deals with a guy coming out of a relationship but no... it was the dancing girl. I feel so ashamed. Thank you.

Very nice film

I've never been to a festival before. I am a very clean person and they don't really appeal to me due to a severe lack of hygene and usually an abundance of crap bands.

I always made fun of 'T in the park' in particluar for having piss poor indy chancers playing like Travis, Coldplay, Athlete, Snow Patrol, Embrace... I could go on.

But this year I am going to T in the park. Why? because of the following bands...

Doves
Interpol (yyyyeeeeeeeeessssssss)
Bloc Party
James Brown (You heard me)
Ian Brown
Death in Vegas

I'm also pretty interested in seeing the Coral because their new song 'In the Morning' is fantastic.

So this means I'm going to Scotland. I've only been there once for like, a day. I'm going to get an inflatable couch, a Viking or Pirate hat, My eyepatch, my sharpest suit, an inflatable boat, a massive tent and make some Vodka Martinis in those little glasses and set sail for Scotland in my friends car which will be made into a makeshift Pirate/Viking boat. Left and right will be replaced by Port and Starboard and I'll tie a big flag to the back. I have never been this excited (unless you count the time I bought season 2 of the shield)

I hope it rains. I think that's a bit of a sure fire thing since it's in Scotland but I am not having sunburn ruin any of my shit.

Sometimes people are just so horribly twee that you want to wring their necks and vomit on them. In real life this is no problem. Someone is a whiny pathetic wretch then you pick them up by the neck and shake them around a bit saying 'You don't have mumps, you're just a hypocondriac with limp wrists'.

But when these kind of people are in films it just makes you mad and there's no outlet for your rage.

The other night I was awake at about 1 or 2 in the morning trying desperatley to sleep. That film 'Sliding Doors' was on and I figured that would put me out like a light. It didn't. Not because of a gripping plot or astonishing acting performances. No. Because it contained the most insipid man in the world played by that scrawny scottish guy who's in 'The Mummy' (Another dog of a movie). Why is he so annoying? I'll tell you. I will. Listen. (Read)

For a start he only listened to the Beatles. He was one of those people that won't admit that the Beatles had the ability to pour shit into peoples eardrums under the pretense of music (Obla di obla da? My Old Brown Shoe? Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds? all rubbish, I could go on) So this guy not only likes the Beatles quietly and keeps it to himself, oh no. Like all Beatles 'fans' He feels it's his duty  to tell someone he dosn't know that the music they're listening to is copied off the Beatles. Well isn't that courteous? Wouldn't you love someone to come and tell you that the music you're listening to is influenced by the Beatles? 'De Beeetuls did dat fiieest der mate' Shut up!!! It's 2005 for god's sake can't you people just hurry up and die? Do you think people walk up to some Beatles fan and say 'All of that is copied off Black slave musicians and Mozart'? Fuck no they don't, they have some sense.

The next annoying thing about him is that yes, you guessed it. He loves Monty Python. But not only does he love Monty Python, no. He like all Monty Python fans feels it's his duty to recite entire scetches to people... And they laugh!!!  And Gwyneth Paltrow sleeps with him shortly after!!!

Also special mention has to go to that Paul Giamatti in Sideways for just being the most irritating man in the world. Yes, here's a likable hero for a film. He cheated on his wife, he talks about wine like it matters, he helps his friend cheat on his fiancee, he wines about his divorce and looks at teen porn in his hotel room.

These people exist. Find them. Shake them.

There's this stupid advert around at the moment where these two guys race to get home to watch the 'footie' (Urgh what a wretched word) and drink a can of Carling - a beer that tastes similar to the fizzing sweat of a worried rhino.

I don't hate football, I watch it but I've been losing interest since I was about 13. I hate beer because everyone knows it tastes horrible but men are too manly to admit it. Women have to go through child birth and men have to drink a fluid that tastes like ear wax with a head on it. That is the curse of manliness.

So I was thinking about football and sport in general and then I thought 'Why the hell do they interview these people at the end of a game?' Really, Why? What do you expect them to say? They're idiots!!! They tell you exactly what you just saw!!!

TV Guy - 'Talk us through that Goal David'

David - 'Well Jonno crossed it and I just hit it and it went in the top corner'

Wait a minute, didn't I just see that on the TV? What was the point in that? Ask a stupid question and so on. Why should you ask these guys who would be scientific test subjects if it weren't for them desperatley fellating a scout when they were 14 so they could play for some team.

And the TV interviewers are just as bad, they lead these morons into saying the most uninteresting things. Why can't these sports journalists ask better questions after a game

TV Guy - So David, a fantastic performance out there. If you had to have sex with any one of your team mates based on today's performance and to some extend your own personal preference, which one would it be?

or they could just show the game and then some highlights and then dissapear. Why do they have to speak to these idiots? Who cares what was going through his head, it was probably how many girls he can get to come back to his hotel room tonight when he tells them who he plays for.

bah

Not that anyone cares but I've not updated this in a while since nothing has happened to me and I haven't had a vaguely interesting thought in about 2 weeks since I got home.

I have tried to write about the following subjects but failed.

My Friend has bacterial meningitis

My occasional beard turned ginger in the bath

Arcade Fire's album is good

2 months since I got dumped aniversary

Bruce Willis

So I'm sorry about my lazyness but I didn't want to turn in one of those 'I just had a really good nap' blogs because I don't like them and I never have really good naps since I always wake up feeling like fat mice are ice skating along my face and farting in my mouth.

So yah, sorry.

So I finally got down to the Kevin Kline version of Hamlet and man it sucks.

Ever seen that episode of Blackadder with the actors? It's like that. He roars before each line and then crescendos to a bizzare bellow on the oddest words.

I've been using it to help me sleep. Honestly. I suffer from insomnia and I've never slept so well as when I'm curled up on my bed clutching a copy of Hamlet and watching Kev blow hot gas all over the stage.

Ah to sleep per chance to dream. Of Kevin Kline heating my house for the next year with his big blasty hot mouth.

I am a genius. No not for the film thing (That is still sucking).

I have an exam coming up on Renaissance literature and I'll be damned if I'm going to read all of Hamlet and 2 other plays. So with the last pennies of my overdraft I bought as many different versions of Hamlet as I could find on DVD.

I figured that each one would cut things out (or else they'd be 4 or 5 hours long) but between them I'd get the full story. Ha! In your face... someone(?) I won't even need to learn quotes because I'll just make sure that I watch a version of Hamlet a day untill the exam and then read the other plays.

Today I watched the modern one with Ethan Hawke in. I figured it'd be the easiest to follow, so then I'd be able to follow the rest of them better having gotten to grips with whats going on. It was pretty good, Bill Murray was in it so I was instantly impressed. It was better than Romeo and Juliet anyway due to a distinct lack of 'Leo' and his curiously placed nipples. (never trust a man who's nipples are too close together)

So now that I know what happens all I have to do is learn the names (No not Julia Stiles 'Ophelia' and so on) and then by the time of the exam I'll be the Hamlet Master of the Universe(TM) and people will come to me with queries about Hamlet. Men will want to be me and Women will want to be with me, infact homophobic staright Men will also want to be with me and they will become confused about thier sexuality... 'I know it's wrong but his knowledge of Hamlet makes it seem so right' they'll say.

Tomorrow - The 'Kevin Kline' Version.